


I'm Laughing (I'm Crying, It Feels Like I'm Dying)

by ghostlygone



Series: Dark AU's [4]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Crying, Gen, Laughter, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Worried Isabelle Lightwood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-28
Updated: 2020-01-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:15:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22450048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghostlygone/pseuds/ghostlygone
Summary: I'll cry until the candles burn down this placeI'll cry until my pity party's in flamesI'm laughin', I'm cryin'It feels like I'm dyin'Or, Clary mourns Jocelyn's death in a World where showing emotions on a Shadowhunter is a death penaltyOr, I listened to Pity Party by Melanie Martinez and got this(I'm going to apologise in advance, I have no idea what this is)
Relationships: Clary Fray & Isabelle Lightwood, Jocelyn Fairchild & Clary Fray
Series: Dark AU's [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1569445
Kudos: 2





	I'm Laughing (I'm Crying, It Feels Like I'm Dying)

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Major Character Death(s)
> 
> I have not read this through at all, and I have no idea what I was doing with this so I'm really sorry.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!
> 
> Title from 'Pity Party' by Melanie Martinez

_Did my invitations disappear?_

_Why'd I put my heart on every cursive letter?_

_Tell me why the hell no one is here_

_Tell me what to do to make it all feel better_

She lay there, curled in a ball under the duvet that still smelt of her mother. Nobody had checked to see if she was alright, to see if she was okay after seeing her mother literally get murdered right in front of her. She needed to know how to stop this pain in her chest, the one that she was ignoring, because if she acknowledged it then it would all become real and she would have no one to run to who understood what it felt like to be both Mundane and Shadowhunter. She should have cut everyone off when she entered the Shadow World, or just not joined at all. Because everyone she loved, or even slightly liked seemed to be dying, dropping like flies. And she didn't know if she could survive another, not after Simon and Luke and Lyla, who didn't even know about the Shadow World, and Jordan and Emma's Parents and now her mum? It was too much and she can feel... something rise up in her, stopping her sobbing for a second.

_Maybe it's a cruel joke on me_

_Whatever, whatever_

_Just means there's way more cake for me_

_Forever, forever_

She's wishing that its all just a trick, a joke, played by a cruel demon who just wants pain and suffering, that she's not actually dead, not actually about to be burnt surrounded by all these emotionless warriors who don't seem to care for anyone but their own small groups. And she was part of one of those groups, one of a group who hadn't checked on her, but whatever. She was fine, she could do what she liked and take what she liked as long as she didn't turn into one of them because she is Clary Frickin' Fray. But she won't turn into one of those emotionless idiots who follow every order to the letter and would kill her in a second if she even dared to step outside her bedroom wearing anything but gear.

_It's my party and I'll cry if I want to_

_Cry if I want to (Cry, cry, cry)_

_I'll cry until the candles burn down this place_

_I'll cry until my pity party's in flames_

She cried, and she cried and she cried, for all those things she would never get to experience with her mum, for all those things that she would never get taught, would never be passed down to her. And she cried and she wished that the Institute would just go up in flames so she could be where she belonged, with her family, rather be left in some world where children are tortured and teenagers were supposed to kill the traitors and if you made the slightest wrong move it could mean death. A world where you're not supposed to show emotion. And as she cries, she throws a big 'Fuck You' to the Clave, to the Inquisitor, to the Shadowhunters, and just keeps on mourning her mother, who deserves to be mourned for, to shed a tear for. But the emotionless fuckers don't and she hates them so much right now that she is tempted to go down there like this. With tears streaming down her face because Fuck you, humans are allowed to feel emotions, are allowed to be happy and sad and angry and loving and not giving two shits about what other people think. 

_It's my party and I'll cry if I want to_

_Cry if I want to (Cry, cry, cry)_

_I'll cry until the candles burn down this place_

_I'll cry until my pity party's in flames_

She sits up and grabs her phone, the one she had before she got sucked into this horror world, and plugs in her headphones, playing her and her mum's playlist. It starts and she can already feel the next set of tears welling up like a wave about to break. And that... thing from earlier is welling up again and she can't breathe, it's blocking her nose and mouth, and she's sobbing heavily into her hand and she's trying to muffle her sobs because despite how much she wants to say Fuck you to the Clave she isn't willing to die for it and she honestly can't breathe and suddenly she's retching and mumbling to herself and she doesn't know what she says but she hopes nobody is around to hear it because she couldn't deal with that, even if it was Izzy, who was by far the nicest person here and the one who shows the most emotion in private and doesn't follow orders to the letter, despite how much it's been drilled into her.

_Maybe if I knew all of them well_

_I wouldn't be trapped inside this hell that holds me_

_Maybe if I casted out a spell_

_Or told them decorations were in pastel ribbons_

She wishes she had a friend here, one who at least tried to understand what she was going through, one who would help her escape this hellhole, and maybe even come with her. And she wishes she was a warlock so she could bring back her mother and they could figure this impossible situation together like they used to, before Jace, and Alec, and Izzy, and this whole Shadow World. But she doesn't have either of those, and so she's stuck here, in this room, crying her eyes and cursing everybody she has ever met.

_Maybe it's a cruel joke on me_

_Whatever, whatever_

_Just means there's way more cake for me_

_Forever, forever_

She feels he hands balling up, into fists, and she can distantly feel the pain of her nail cutting into her palms and the tears falling down her cheeks, but she seems so far removed from here and now, that it could be happening to somebody else entirely. She wants to just stay here, left alone, until the end of time, just sitting here and knowing that she's breathing, however heavily, and that she can feel, even if it just feels like a pinprick. She wants to get rid of the Shadowhunters and their fucked up laws, and let the Warlocks and Faeries and Werewolves and Vampires have the Shadow World to themselves, but she knows that its not gong to happen anytime soon.

_I'm laughin', I'm cryin'_

_It feels like I'm dyin'_

And so she laughs. She laughs at the absurdity of her life, and this world and how idiotic it is and that magics real and werewolves can be so cute and vampires are just prideful and faeries can't lie and she's finding it all hilarious. She's laughing hard, hard enough to hurt her sides, to pull tears out her eyes and close up her throat-

_I'm laughin', I'm cryin'_

_It feels like I'm dyin'_

And then she's sobbing like there's no tomorrow, full gut-wrenching sobs where she can feel the pain of each one coursing through her fragile body (the Shadowhunter's need to eat more). But then someone's calling her and the ringtone is- was, her mum's favourite song and she can't deal with all these fucking feelings so she just sobs, not bothering to muffle the sounds.

_I'm laughin', I'm cryin'_

_It feels like I'm dyin'_

_I'm dyin', I'm dyin'_

And this pain is still buried deep inside her chest, it's roots growing deeper into her heart by the second, and that feeling is welling up again and she actually can't breathe this time, can't get any air into her lungs, and she's taking huge gasping breathes that aren't making a difference and she thinks she hears a door slamming open, and somebody shouting something about using warlock spells and she sees Izzy, the elegant, graceful Izzy, who despite everything is amazing, just not what she needed and she's still drawing in these shallow ragged breaths that only increase the feeling of choking, and she feels someone push her hair off her forehead and she leans into the cool touch and she honestly can't see properly.

_It's my party and I'll cry if I want to (If I want to, If I want to)_

_It's my party and I'll cry if I want to_

She smiles at the blur above, and her eyes are streaming but it doesn't matter because she does have a friend, however bad of one they were. And then she can't move, and it's impossible to do anything but close her eyelids that are way heavier than they should be. Just before she closes them, she hears one last thing.

_[Scream]_


End file.
